my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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