Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
