OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
