You just made me feel so damn special
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
