you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
