I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I need help removing her.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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