imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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