i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
