You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
