I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
