Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
