That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he shaved USA in his pubs
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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