Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
