I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
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