my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
