i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize
