Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Watching her eat just hurts me
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You have to summon your inner elephant
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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