there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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