its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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