do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
