Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
