you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He shit in the fireplace
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
