sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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