You just made me feel so damn special
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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