Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
