my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
