yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
