Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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