I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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