i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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