My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
