: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize