just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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