I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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