and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
