hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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