Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
