I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
