and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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