im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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