ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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