you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
