if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize