Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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