Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
