Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize