I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
