you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
