So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
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