im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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