i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
