One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
