did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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