he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm like, not good at living.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
