im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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