do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
