WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
