I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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