You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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