I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
