I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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