my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
