The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize