how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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