i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
