I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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