I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize