Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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