i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
