So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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